Gilbert and Sullivan Parodies I’ve got a Little List Written for the Philbeach Players production of The Mikado, London, 1986 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found I've got a little list ~ I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground And who never would be missed They never would be missed Insider-trading marketeers who break the City's rules And education ministers with kids in private schools The Sloane who thinks that ev'rything is "just amaaaaazing, yah!" And the yuppie with his filofax, who drives a flashy car Who bores us all to death with tales of hols spent sur la piste They'd none of them be miste, no, they'd none of them be miste There's the piss-head on the Underground who won't leave you alone, And the busker guitarist ~ I've got him on the list! And governments who sell us things that we already own ~ They never would be missed ~ They never would be missed All Sony Walkman(!) wearers on the buses, tubes and trains, With their awful music echoing where other folk have brains. 'Alternative' comedians who at the system sneer And then make lots of money advertising banks or beer And whose jokes are only funny if you're young ~ and thick ~ and pissed I don't think they'd be missed ~ I'm sure they'd not be missed. Those self-appointed censors who hate others having fun And on stopping them insist ~ I've got them on the list! All journalists who write The Times, all men who read The Sun They'd none of them be missed ~ They'd none of them be missed The amateur dramatic troupes who murder classic shows By doing them in smartarse ways, dressed up in modern clothes With actors who can't sing and dry at every other ... ... ... word And the prompter's is the only voice that's clearly to be heard And right here at the top I've got the prat who rewrote this! And I know he'd not be missed ~ I know he'd not be missed Confessional I am the very master of the intertextual reference I use them just for fun but with a large amount of deference My poetry is brimming with a thousand writings notable In fact I squeeze them anywhere that I find something quotable (In fact he puts them anywhere that he finds something quota-quotable) There’s Shakespeare, Joyce and Oscar Wilde and loads of lines from G&S And Tolstoy, Proust — well, anything that isn’t just by me, I guess. When folks say all my writing looks like something copied from a list I simply say that I prefer to call myself post-modernist (He likes to think that he’s post modern-odern-odern-odern-odernist) I quite accept my writing has no true originality But anything I do that’s new just doesn’t have the kwality You’re bound to fail if you don’t play up to your natural aptitude Dan-Brownian motion only leads to loads of fuck-filled platitudes (He has a filthy mouth and a bad atti-atti-atti-attitude!) There is no end in sight (I tell you, just in case you’re wondering) I quite intend to go on with my literary plundering As long as I can do it with due relevance and deference, For I am the very master of the intertextual reference! (2011)